Building a container that is strong enough for your relationship takes work and time. Reference part 1 of this article if you have not read it yet.
There is no perfect relationship. There is only YOUR relationship and the ways in which you and your partner attach and relate to each other. This takes work and involves 3 important pieces. Delighting in each other, repairing the container when it has been damaged, and becoming curious about each other’s individuality.
Delighting in each other sounds like it should be easy, but is often a piece we neglect to be intentional with after years in the relationship. Maybe you have had the joys and challenges of children entering your family and this has taken its toll on your time together. Maybe your career has demanded more of you and you have little left relationally after spending all day working! No matter what it is that has caused your relationship to feel more like it depletes you rather than fills you up, it’s important to take a deep look at it.
When we first find a partner who ignites us, we want to spend time with them. We take the time to learn about their interests, passions and joys. We communicate about anything and everything, just wanting to share each moment with them. With more and more information and time we crave connection and we find it in each other. Moments of looking into each others eyes, turn into sweet affectionate touches, which lead to long intimate passion, releasing oxytocin and endorphins throughout your brain. This deep connection creates a depth of attachment that reminds us that we are loved, cared for and safe.
When we spend less time with each other and less time delighting in physical affection with each other, we have less opportunity for this biologically powerful tool to create connection. In order to create a strong, safe, container we need to feel delighted in by our partner, listened to and known by them. This takes practice, curiosity and time. As the couple and the family grows or changes, more effort is needed to make this part of the relationship thrive. It tends to be easy for couples to make excuses why time together is okay to put on the back burner. Money, schedules, babysitting issues, or lack of common interests are all reasons couples utilize for neglecting time together. Finding ways to put your relationship as a priority means you have to put in the work. These challenges are real, yet there are ways to become creative to enjoy and revive the connection that you once felt together. With apps like “Ipassion” or other relationship connecting games and tools you can find new and creative ways to make time for each other without allowing the excuses of disconnection override our need for intimacy.
If you need help reviving your connection and would like to explore new ways to find intimacy call The Family Therapy Place where a trained Couples therapist will help you find a way back to each other.